After re-reading a recent Facebook dialogue, I am reminded how challenging it is just to communicate and how the challenge is multiplied when confined to written thoughts. We cannot hear the tone of voice, the expression on the face, and all the many subtleties that help us understand one another.
That specific Facebook thread began when a friend from our church days asked this question, “Do you think your family is better now or the same as when you were serving the Lord?” My reaction to the question was that this was a sincere attempt on this man’s part to understand what has happened to some old friends… namely, us.
I think it is difficult to explain without a lot of very personal detail. And as such is not best served on the pages of Facebook, even though our attempts to do so can be quite fascinating. And alas, they can also be frustrating and even alienating.
For our own in depth reasons, Mary and I chose to depart from the church scene to which we had devoted ourselves for many years. And though our initial departure was fraught with feelings of hurt and anger, the ensuing years have brought a much more thoughtful objectivity to our viewpoints. The two of us have made a study of our experiences in order to have an understanding of what went wrong. And it should also be noted that our transition has not been a simple, black and white, “once we were in and now we’re out” mentality. Rather, the entire process has been one of “evolution.” One idea would lead to another. A further concept explored would broaden our comprehension of something else learned. And all of this process would deepen our appreciation of our lives together, motivating us to continue our “education” of the things that matter most to us.
There are many people who have only known us in the context of the Christian church. When we meet up with any of these former colleagues, whether on Facebook or in person, there is almost always some level of dynamic tension. I think I have some appreciation of this dilemma.
For me as a Christian, my entire perspective was defined by what I understood as truth from the Bible, church involvement, and my own perceived spiritual experiences. My encounters with people who had shared my faith, but had then walked away from that involvement, admittedly were few. But in every instance that I recall, I was sure they were troubled people who were running from God. And though I may not have known all their circumstances, I would wait to have my assumptions validated. Surely some kind of difficulty would befall them. I felt it would only be a matter of time and I would hear that they had gone through a divorce or some other major upheaval, thus revealing they were being “dealt with” by the chastening of the Lord.
I personally do not remember anyone who had “left the faith” and were subsequently happy and fulfilled after their transition. I had no concept that such a situation could possibly even exist. In my thinking, if someone “turned their back on God”, the temporary “relief” they may experience was undoubtedly due to the fact that the devil, having accomplished his first major objective (separating you from God), was allowing a false sense of peace to prevail in order to make you feel you had done the right thing. And now that Satan “had you” there was no need to trouble you.
During the first year or so, after Mary and I left the church, we marveled how unheralded our exodus seemed. No one from the church came after us. No one called us. No one “dropped by” to see what happened to us. We were, apparently, now considered persona non grata. For some reason, we had thought our twelve years of investing ourselves and our children at that particular church warranted some level of investigation, at least, from the leadership. We were, however, sadly mistaken.
In fact, this attitude of non-involvement from the church reminded me of something our ministry director back in the 70’s had taught us. At that time we were part of the leadership of a very close knit Christian mission community. And when someone, for some reason or other, felt impelled to leave the group without the permission or “sending” of the person in the will of God, we were told to leave them alone and let them go. We were not to pursue them or try to change their mind. The reasoning behind that instruction, though I do not remember this being openly discussed, was that the negative ideas or angry sentiments within these people who were “rebelling” were considered “contagious.” The devil had infected them and the director did not want that contagion spreading among the remaining faithful.
Such a mindset is still prevalent today. And while it may be just human nature to protect oneself from what appears harmful and threatening, when you add to the dynamic the influences of religious superstition, the resulting environment of suspicion and gossip is poisonous. That was the environment we abandoned for the sake of our own much needed mental and emotional stability.
It was in that state of need and desire to take hold of our own lives, that we began the process of transition. We never launched out to forsake God, Christ, the Bible, the Church, and certainly not our faith. However, that said, we did have a willingness to put all of our long held religious assumptions to the test, even though I am sure we could not have articulated it so clearly at the time. What we did know was that we were through with what we saw as unreal. Perhaps we were not too sure about what was actually true, but we were pretty sure the church scene we had been in was not.
Now here we are some three years down the road and someone asks, “Do you think your family is better now or the same as when you were serving the Lord?” My first reaction is, “No comparison… now is better by far!” However, if I just wave that banner, the chances are pretty high that I will not be understood. And I still want to try to be understood, especially by people still very much involved in the Christian world view of life.
So, why are things better now? I will speak for myself… I like being “me” without having to measure up to someone’s preprogrammed concept of what makes for a successful life as a human being. I found that pressure in the Christian mindset is not only personally debilitating, but actually locks us into a fantasy world born out of the mythological beliefs of very superstitious humans who lived centuries ago. I absolutely treasure my freedom from the strangely twisted ideologies woven from quite bias interpretations of the ancient Biblical writings.
For the record, I do not reject the Bible! Rather, I accept the Bible for what I can actually know it to be… a very old collection of copied manuscripts. It is undoubtedly one of the most important volumes of antiquity known to man. And while I am thankful for my exposure to those writings, I also think that decreeing them to be “the” definitive Word of God and thereby measuring everything else in life according to the Bible is a very grave mistake. By the way, the world of Islam has done exactly the same thing for quite similar reasons with their own exhalation of the Quran as the Word of Allah. Who is right? Of course, everyone involved will shout, “we are right!” (Mary has posted a very insightful quote from Sam Harris’ book, Letter to a Christian Nation, on her blog, Take Another Look)
Another aspect of my “better now than before” affirmation is the openness of thought that flows through our family. Mary and I no longer “preach” to our children what they are supposed to believe. They can think for themselves. They do not need outward authoritative standards to “keep them in line.” They are more at ease and willing to just be themselves without having to deal with what God or the church folks will think of them. The pseudo-spiritual behavioral taboos and standards of morality that were foisted upon them as pure and holy, in my opinion, were not conducive to forming honest personal identities.
Lastly, I want to mention the “…better now or the same as when you were serving the Lord…” idea. Most sincere believers are convinced they have found the absolute source of truth and life in Christ. He, to them, is THE WAY. As such, to believe in him and to live your life “for him” is synonymous with “serving the Lord.” The believer, having exchanged his old life of sin, has become born again and has his new identity imparted by the spirit and defined according to scriptural revelation. From this vantage point the qualities of “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness…” are all considered “fruit of the spirit” and therefore are the exclusive inheritance of those abiding in “the kingdom.” For someone “outside” that dominion of exclusivity to say they are experiencing those same qualities of life, and yet not believe, is a contradiction not to be accepted. The religious mindset is sure something is wrong.
Here I must default, for now, to my own very personal, very subjective point of view… having been “in” and now being “out”… out is better.
Love is real and I know it in my life and family now.
Joy is more real to me now because it is not tangled up in the debate over whether we are to have “joy” or “happiness.”
I actually have greater peace now than I did before, mainly because I no longer sense the judgments of God looming over my life and the lives of my loved ones.
I find in myself a much greater reservoir of “longsuffering” for people of differing ideologies.
I am not always as gentle as I could be and perhaps may yet learn to be. However, when I am communicating with someone who is genuinely wanting to talk rather than straighten me out, I find gentleness come quite easily.
Concerning goodness … I find goodness is definitely not the exclusive territory of Christianity. I find reposits of goodness everyday in the hearts of both religious and non-religious people, believers and non-believers. It is just that goodness is less tied to hidden agendas when found in the lives of those who are not motivated by evangelism.
